I spent the night with my niece and my sister. I spent the day with my dad's mother taking her shopping getting the things she needs. Then I visited my uncle like normal on a Saturday afternoon before we went trick or treating with my niece. We also had a Halloween party on Ricky's side to go to that we didn't get to until like 8:30 because before then we stopped at my grandmas to show her my niece's costume. It was a long day busy running around. I'm super tired and so glad that I don't work until Tuesday.
I've been doing really good not thinking about anyone all day and wanting to go out and about having "fun" drinking or being with people. I think it's the fact that I kept myself busy all day and that I had things to do. I feel if I am keeping myself busy it's not that big of a deal to be busy at night, but if I'm just sitting I get my energy at night so I want to do something.
I'm so glad and I can't believe I'm getting through this I know it's only God and nothing else. I know I wouldn't be able to do this alone!
I'm getting so tired and am typing short entries lately but I'm trying to continue doing this so I'm able to look back and remember.
I have nothing really to say I feel like I'm in a good mood and am pretty happy. I guess it really does help trying to be good because you feel good! Maybe that's why He wants us to be good so we can enjoy life without it's consequences.
Love hate mistakes tell me what you think is going on...always have that song stuck in my head randomly!

I'm going to bed soon peace..!

I worked a log day at Catch a tan and it was interesting. More  interesting that I'm doing fine moving on from Max. Though I get many thoughts and feelings that arise throughout my day I have been trying to learn in pushing them away from me. I can't believe we're over but God has his plans. I give it to him and I want him to do what he will with me. I don't fee like going with my friends I mean I really want too but there is something in side of me that doesn't want too and that I shouldn't because there are better things for me to do that can make my life better like spend time with God and my family. It's Halloween tomorrow and I'm hanging out with my grandma then with my sister niece, and her dad.
I'm tired and watching Ghost hunters...God will be done with my life!

I compared my past feelings and relationships that didn't work out to DQ Blizzards today. It's something that I just realized it's weird I know but it's very true. They are yummy, nice and cold, and gives me the instant gratification and satisfaction that I'm looking for at that moment. Though it's great and all while I'm eating or "dating" the effects after is what gets me. The sugar rush, guilt from eating something so bad for me, and the calories that I will have to burn off later.
Max's relationship or whatever we had was something that I was craving but so not worth it in the end to have had now that things have ended the way that they did. Tim was just something I ate while bored and am now feeling the effects which I wish I've never had! Lessons learned. It's pretty sad though that I'm comparing them to food but it's the only thing I can compare to that's not worth doing...eating something that isn't healthy for us.
After what I've been through these past couple months have shown me a lot about myself and opened my eyes to how I've been letting people treat me.
I don't know if I regret anything with any of them just taking everything I learned but I'll leave the pain behind.
I wish to let go easier like this every time. I still get horrible feelings of pain from missing Max but it's no good for me. God needs to help me learn to let go and be able to leave someone that I care about without having that feeling of loss.
Tired and want to go home but think I will fall asleep on couch at my parents house.

I found out tonight that Max is no longer a friend of mine of facebook...I realize how silly this sounds but if you knew Max you'd think that's a big step since that is the only way of communicating.
I'm so hurt right now )=
He hates me and wants nothing to do with me. I'm not what he wants at all. I'm far from it.
I never want to be like that to someone. I never meant to cause this I never meant to make him not trust me or think of me less than he did. I never would want to hurt him. I feel like anything I do now will just not work and make things worse. God I'm so far down now. Father I hate this place. It feels like the first time and it's the worst feeling in the world. I think you were trying to tell me. Ugh I hate myself. I understand how he feels now I'm just a manipulative bitch! I do things because I want things to go my way or wonder how they will work out for me.

I go from one emotion to the next which is a feeling of numbness where I don't think or feel anything. I kind of like it because I don't feel the pain nor the urge to cry.

I feel like everything we've ever talked about, did, or built was thrown away.
God why does he hate me so much? How come love is so painful here on earth?
I have no energy for this. I can't breath...I want to sleep. I can't believe this

How did it come to this? I'm so sorry for messing things up! Please fix this!

It's been one week that I've let everything go between Tim & Max. I've been doing really well surprisingly. I can't believe how well I am doing. Thought I'm still not making the best of choices I feel like I'm getting a little bit closer where I should or at least in the right direction.
When does this all end? The searching for something more? I guess it's just something that you need to give up rather than it just stopping on it's own.

How hard is that? It's all that I've ever wanted...how can you give up your hopes and dreams. Yet I need to strive for others? How does that work?

Many moons have come and gone don't know why I'm still searching...I don't know anything at all. Who am I say to you love me I don't know anything at all. Who am I to say you need me.

Now you're a song I love to sing never thought it'd feel so free...
When did this become my life? When did I even notice anything different other than the ones I was wanting? Can't believe it's still taking me this long to figure things out. It's going to be four years since I've been trying to know better. Maybe I do realize but am afraid of what can really happen if I let go. The unknown is pretty scary when all you're use to is disappointments.

Now I know what's meant to be and that's okay with me.
Who am I to say? I don't know anything at all. 

I've lost them both...the one that I could care less about and the one that I would die to lose.
I've messed everything up with each little evil manipulative plan I made. In the back of my head I knew what was going to happen but didn't think it would happen so soon. I can't believe that I am where I'm at right now. I have no one at this point. I keep trying to hang out with close friends that have back stabbed me one to many times. They are no one I can trust. The only person who knows anything it Alicia who I don't hang out with because she and I are completely different when it comes to opinions on what makes a good time.
This is the reality. I have no guy in my life.

One just went away while the other I demolished without another thought.
I've realized God has intervened because I feel numb. I don't really care that either left. Though I would really love to be with Max at this point I feel like we both proved ourselves who we are and where we are at at this point. That place is not good for neither of us.
I could be living in guilt or shame but I feel there's no point. Life must go on. They apparently weren't meant to stay long in my life other wise they would be continuing in contacting me. All plans aside I'm going to try and live like they were never apart of it.

I'd like to get a new number so only so many people can reach me. I'm done with a majority of my past.
I just hope it stays this way and I don't do anything rash these next couple months. I should try to keep myself busy.
I don't think reality has kicked in yet. I am doing abnormally well for being rejected not once but twice!

Breathe.

I seem to be finding myself in these situations too many times. It never get's old the pain seems more real and hurtful then the last time. I never learn. It's like I enjoy the free fall then splat I hit the bottom. Why don't I ever think about the consequences to these actions?
Where does it go wrong?
God always intervenes or at least I hope that's what is happening.

I let things get too far in my own plans & here I am with nothing.

I feel like an idiot.

In the past month I've let two men reject me.
One I completely was in love with while the other I just wanted to chase me.

They always beat me to the punch line. I don't know if heart break is something I really can't do or they do it before I do it to them.
I can't make plans any more I guess. None seem to turn out the way that I had hoped or wanted.
I realize God is in control and it's for the best but I feel a little lonely right now. Again I realize this is when I'm suppose to seek Him for comfort and realize He is everything I could ever ask for.
Why don't I then? Why do I have such a hard time doing so?
I'm tired & want to go home.

*tear*

you're all I see come on baby let me and show me what this really is because something must have made you say that...what did I do to make you say that to me? Something must have made you so mad...what can I do to make you say come back to me?

I'll see is me being with him and happy. Why is that he pushes me away? He pushes me away then comes back like nothing happened.
I went there Sunday night and my world felt like all was back in it's place. I couldn't believe the happiness I felt and I how much I wanted to fall into his arms. I didn't want to leave and I don't think he wanted me to leave either. That's the best feeling ever. Though he wants nothing more than friendship being that close lying next to him smelling his scent of bubble gum & cigs while hearing him snore...ugh it takes my breathe away. I wanted him to roll over and hold me like he use too. He told me to stay & sleep, but I didn't! Why didn't I? I just walked out with him and watched him drive away

God I want it to be him, I'm done choosing and I know you're sick of it as well. Please bless him move in his life like you did Julian's but now you have the holy spirit already attached. MOVE!!! Nothing shall come against him I pray the blood of Christ on him nothing shall touch, harm or influence him in any way! I pray the hedge of thorns around him. He shall try to go this way or that but he shall find nothing and they can't find him and he will realize to go back to his first love which is YOU!

He needs to be loved and entrusted. No one has done that but one person who isn't even here nor is that person even close any more.
Everybody keeps walking in and out of his life and his family doesn't do much to help. I want to show him that I'm not letting go of him I will be there friend or not. I will do all that I can to make him trust me. If not me then you Father then all will become clear to him. He needs prayer and love...God help me be there for him.

Something must have made you so mad, what can I do to make you say "come back to me"
I'll be here in the morning if you say stay, if you say stay to me

I keep listening to Safetysuit "Stay" I can cry all day listening to this song. I don't know what it is but it just touches my heart. I use to think of Max when we were talking while I was cleaning beds at work. I saw the music video for it just this past weekend and I'm UGH I WANNA CRY so that's what I've been doing these past couple days.
I know it's sad an pathetic but I'm heart broken.
It's going to be two weeks tomorrow since I've last talked to him but only because I stopped by while he was sleeping. I've stopped praying altogether really besides praying for protection over certain people and talking with God here and there I'm not standing in faith like I use too. It's hard and I don't even know if God even approves of what I want. I've been in this situation before where I've wanted something so bad and stood for so long believing and here I come to find out it's nothing that God wanted for me. I realize He wants and has the best for us but that was so hard to take in. I stood for so long and it's not like something better came along from what I was asking for but it was more the realization God has something better. That was two years ago! So much has gone down since then. I don't get it I seriously feel like God is picking on me. It's like I have to be perfect to get anything in this life. I'm not perfect I'm far from it! I'm a sinner I sin left and right day and night. I can't be anything He wants me to be. I hear songs of how it doesn't matter where we are at He'll take us in yes but sooner or later you are expecting us to reach that. The bar is set too high. I want to let go of it all and NOT CARE! I hate caring because then it brings all these unnecessary feelings. I can't breath nor can I think without tears filling my eyes.

When is this going to be over? Everything in my life feels blessed but this part. What am I suppose to get? What am I not understanding? Please SHOW ME!!!

There are so many emotions going through me right now I can't even begin to fathom feeling each one out loud. Most of them are aches and pains from rejection, stupidity, and heartbreak. I feel like I'm on a reckless ride and soon enough I'm going to hit that wall so hard!
All my plans are back firing...that's the thing they're my plans not His! I don't even know what I'm doing any more. My life is seriously a mess in my head nothing makes sense it's all a blur of pain. I want what I can't have and dread what I do have before me, though it doesn't make what I have right to enjoy. This isn't right I felt it from the beginning yet I kept going with it anyways.
I can't breath when I think, I can't think because if I do I start crying. Then when I push the thoughts away I become physically sick keeping such strong emotions deep down. I have no clue what I'm doing any more. I losing grip. I'm ready for you to come home.
Every moment I'm trying to keep my self as well as composed as possible, I've managed quite well but today I feel like I can't hold it any longer.

I keep smelling Max today...faintly. That's the first time I've allowed myself to really let a feeling sink in about him in the past couple days. I can't manage this without you. I don't want to be in control any more it's too much to carry. It's so painful to held accountable for my own actions that end up with my heart shattered before me with no one around to help pick up the pieces besides you yet I'm trying to hide it from you.

Going to cry all the tears I can so I can compose myself for the week ahead.