There are so many emotions going through me right now I can't even begin to fathom feeling each one out loud. Most of them are aches and pains from rejection, stupidity, and heartbreak. I feel like I'm on a reckless ride and soon enough I'm going to hit that wall so hard!
All my plans are back firing...that's the thing they're my plans not His! I don't even know what I'm doing any more. My life is seriously a mess in my head nothing makes sense it's all a blur of pain. I want what I can't have and dread what I do have before me, though it doesn't make what I have right to enjoy. This isn't right I felt it from the beginning yet I kept going with it anyways.
I can't breath when I think, I can't think because if I do I start crying. Then when I push the thoughts away I become physically sick keeping such strong emotions deep down. I have no clue what I'm doing any more. I losing grip. I'm ready for you to come home.
Every moment I'm trying to keep my self as well as composed as possible, I've managed quite well but today I feel like I can't hold it any longer.

I keep smelling Max today...faintly. That's the first time I've allowed myself to really let a feeling sink in about him in the past couple days. I can't manage this without you. I don't want to be in control any more it's too much to carry. It's so painful to held accountable for my own actions that end up with my heart shattered before me with no one around to help pick up the pieces besides you yet I'm trying to hide it from you.

Going to cry all the tears I can so I can compose myself for the week ahead.