Interesting start to the new year
Hung out with Max and Steve both on New Years Eve. Watch the ball drop with Max and did the after party with Steve. I then came to the conclusion that neither men are good for me. Their offers are nothing but dull and worthless to my taste. I can't see myself with them under their conditions. Its unfair but God made it become more of a reality and I'm thankful he did that. It made me see what true depth each presented which was no depth at all. I'm thankful for this but at the same time sad because all I want is my happy ending. My cousin recently visited my website for the first time and then posted it on facebook so I had a visitor send me a message stating "God always saves His best for those who are willing to wait for it" what an encouraging message. That is becoming clearer each year that goes by as I "wait" for God as much as I go off track God is always intervening in the "relationships" that I try to start. He never let's it get any where further and He always helps me recover from them quickly. He takes all my hurt and pain away exchange for new hope and faith in a bright future He's laying out before me. How is it so hard to just keep that? Why do I put my trust in these "men" rather than my God who has never let me down nor has broken my heart. I don't get myself. Why would I rather take a chance to suffer with no promises of affection thereafter rather than "suffer" for Him and receive eternal affection beginning here as a gift and then living eternally with Him forever? Sounds crazy I know but its what I believe to the very core of me. Praise Him for He is good. He is who keeps me sane through all I've been through in life and whatever is to come. Thank you God.
Nights are the hardest
Its been one day, 9 hours, and 5 minutes since he ended it. Within the first 3 hours I tried gaining control of the situation by making some changes as quickly as possible. At first, I thought all was going to be okay but then I came home and went to bed instead of being able to go to sleep in his comfy arms. I couldn't help but cry and want to hear music to soothe me but nothing was satisfying that need. I just finally had to cry myself to sleep. I prayed that if God allowed him to be taken away then He needs to take it all, feelings, emotions, memories, EVERYTHING because I can't handle having them when I don't have him. I woke up waiting for the anxiety to come over me reminding me he didn't want me...nothing. The day went on and I felt a bit numb which was good because it I wasn't able to think clearly and all my thoughts were harder to process. The day went on but was being filled with knowledge of the truth in the situation. It went well but as the day was coming to an end and everyone was leaving and going to bed my heart became ill again reminding me that I'm going home to an empty bed. No text messages, no flirtation, no more talks, no more fun nights, no more sleepovers, no more strong arms around me. It hurts God, where does all this good go? God I can't do this alone again tonight! I can't when I'm alone it all hits me again. I feel the rejection, hurt, pain, worthlessness, & loneliness. I realize this is not true because you are forever with me but when it gets dim, its dim and it becomes harder to grasp that truth. I don't know whether to be angry or really what to think about the situation. Obviously, its you God intervening, but it doesn't lesson the pain nor take away the questions...WHY? Or really HOW? How did you get him to change his mind? On what basis? Either way it hurts. Whether if you did it or not. Can you confirm it in my heart? Get me passed this like you've done with every other boy you took away from me. Praise you, thank you for continually being faithful in all you do for me though I put myself in these situations. Save me again! Its so hard to wait on you Lord to be honest when there are great guys all around me. But, I guess, you are making sure that I see your the one doing the picking like I specifically asked you too. Ugh, this sucks! Help change my attitude change on the view of this world! I am being easily lured in! I lift it all up to you...help me fall asleep tonight again. )=
No more Birdi )=
Exactly! What the heck?! It was another total 180. I really don't understand. Now we are back to being "friends". I can't do this any more Lord! I don't get it?! What happened? The funny thing is this isn't the first time its happen, EXACTLY like this! Coincidence? One or two yes, okay three possibly but not nearly 7!!!!!!!! SEVEN! At least! God you better have the BEST man in the entire world for me that's all I'm saying. If its going to take me losing any & every guy I've wanted for the past 5 years now. Aw right now its playing "How he loves" by David Crowder Band (= such a beautiful true song! Praise you God! Okay to be honest I had a REALLY hard time when Birdi texted me and asked if we could be friends. I broke down and felt horrible. I really don't think its all him necessarily, but the fact it happened AGAIN!I thought maybe this time it can be something real and grow into something amazing but apparently that's not what God wanted. He really has me on a tight leash. I fell I can't get away with anything but on the flip side I'm protected heart & all! So, what would I prefer to be a spoiled brat and get away with everything only leading me further away from what He has for me or a strict path that leads me to wonderful blessings & just a better life for EVERYONE around me? I guess I want others to be happy too if I can be, if it takes me hurting but gaining strength and courage to help others then so be it. God as hard as it is for me to say this because it still hurts to have to let go, but USE ME! USE ME! Take me, break me, mold me, & most of all LOVE ME. Fill me with all of you let not one need go by untouched because if there's nothing here which clearly there isn't by you removing them from my life,you are then are responsible for ALL OF ME! I'm scared Father. This isn't what I thought was going on a couple days ago. I thought I was happy and set in a certain direction what an uproar. God it hurts and I'm scared. I feel alone & unworthy again. When I said I wanted to be with these guys you know quite well I meant what I said and that I would have gave it my all and would have been content with what I had with that person but they keep ending it before even anything could happen! Ugh! Its all you LoRD!
Falling on Christmas
Its Christmas day which went well spending time just with my immediate family. So, its official now with Steve and I. I changed my status so it must mean something now ha ha. No, but on Thursday night I spent with Steve and we talked about a lot. I miss him, I am realizing things about him which are making my feelings for him grow stronger. Though he has his daughter most days but its ok because patience is what I need to learn! Ugh its hard! He's so sweet and cuddly, ugh I miss him! I had a fun Christmas and liked my presents! He he alright want to go see what my mom is making for dinner maybe enchiladas!
Really "daring" or dating that is
I guess Steve and I are official...I don't know how to act now because guys always dragged me along and never made it official so at this point I'm clueless how it works. I trust him though I know he's loyal and just so comfortable to be with. He asked me out through text ha ha society nowadays! I cried truthfully because no guy been so sweet and wanted to make me their only one they run to at their convenience. Sadly, its been since Julian a guy has been so traditional and sweet. What does that mean for this world? Where are we going? The funny thing I can't be too excited because I'm fearful. Lord, you have to help me be me, my true self not who I try to be, but who you see me as. I always wanted to be his girlfriend for 12 years! Alright gots to go!
Well, its finally happening Steve wants to date we can make it official any day now! I never thought this day would come. Its strange because as much as I wanted it then even about a month ago some things holding me back. I want to date him! He'll be my big giant teddy bear. I love cuddling with him because I feel so safe and he's funny, and it just feels good being around him. I feel like I'm not his type though which I've discussed a little bit with him but I really doubt he knew what I meant abou that. Its nothing about being conceited or anything but just yah. He loves his music! We sat in the bathroom listening to the new songs that he put on his Ipod. He told me his baby's mama likes me and that he didn't wanted to make assumptions we were dating in case I thought differently about us. Hmmm I wanna see him but I'm being lazy and I"m tired & have much to do tonight before I go to bed! Ugh, we have such weird schedules and he has his daughter a couple days a week and I believe every weekend. Which is strange but I guess if she works but still every weekend? The plus to that is he's a good father! The only thing why that isn't all that bothersome. Alright gotta go!
The last blizzard I remember being trapped in my house was in '07 when I lived in my apartment in WSP. I felt as if I was going crazy because I couldn't leave and there wasn't anything to do but go online. I miss that apartment though. Now three years later, nothing more to expect when living in MN during winter. Plus I don't feel well I guess its kind of set up nicely because I can just rest and do absolutely nothing. Oh ok this funny so yesterday Max called me! I was happy and of course jump the gun like I always do and get shot down but I guess I'm use to it by now because it didn't hurt. It sucked but didn't bring the pain like it use too which is nice! Steve has his daughter all weekend which is really nice for him because they can spend just quality time together just them two being trapped in the house. He's so cute because he's such a good father. Its weird saying that because its Steve, I mean I've known him since we were younger and now he's a father!? Its just crazy! I miss him and I prolly won't see him til I don't know when! )= its ok though because its for a really good reason so I can't be upset! Lol I'm watching saved and snacking on tortilla chips..I should be snacking on the celery sticks and peanut butter I bought for this occasion. Is it too early to break open that bottle of wine yet? I was gonna wait til dinner but there's nothing to do..I think I'm gonna get some celery sticks now.
Going on 13 years
Its been a while since I've been on here. Actually the last time I was on here I thought my life was going beyond the direction I ever dreamed possible. Who would of thought I'd be flying out to meet up whom I thought was the love of my life. When clearly at this point it never came close. No, no here I am single again, but its okay because I know God has someone better and more amazing then I ever truly thought possible! But, in the mean time ha ha Steve is back in my life, Steve you know my bff from a long time ago. Known him since I was 11 and we'd be friends on and off again but when on we'd be close as ever. I found him on facebook, ha go figure. The best part though while I was "dating" another guy! Yeah, that's a whole other story in itself! See, a lot has happened since "Julian" and its just been what nearly 8 months just shy of a year. Oh well, I started dating this guy I met at church in one of the classes that my mother and I took in January. First, we started off as friends and then we started develpoing feelings for one another...but it didn't last very long. God shut that door real quick! I really don't know what happened with "us" all I know is that God moved! Now, I've been spending time with Steve who is just a big teddy bear, I mean literally I cuddle with him because he's so big & comfy. Not fat comfy but safe comfy. I feel so safe in his arms, I really do like it. One thing I like about him is that we kind of have the same sense of humor and we also talk alike. I don't meet many people like that so its a plus if I get along with you without really trying. Its also comfortable since we've known each other so very long. It just makes it easier. Now that I've been spending so much time with him I'm wanting to care for him but I'm getting a feeling like he won't accept it or something. Maybe I'm just scared to open up, I don't know. Its been am interesting year many boys from my past coming out of the woodworks. I mean, Maxim even text me late June and we've been able to talk and make up, even meet up once. Just really texting if anything very seldom now but still in contact with each other. I guess I should be happy that the two people that I ever really cared for I've made up with and we are on good terms. Its hard though to walk away from that with all the feeling that were involved at one point what do you do with them now? I was talking to my cousin Amber who started helping out over the summer that Julian and Max were the only two boys that I saw myself marrying, the rest it would have took some getting use too. My heart was set on Julian I mean in a way it still kind of is. Who knows what the future holds. I'm at peace with us not being together but I hope he finds someone good for him and doesn't settle, same with Max. They're both good guys that I care about very much but God had to do a lot of healing with them both, so I've come a long way. I'm just going on now. The whole thing now is trying to focus on God, being healed, and waiting on the Lord to bring me "my man". Steve just happens to be in my life right whom I'd love to date and Steve said he'd date me but I have a feeling he didn't truly mean it? Like I'm comfortable for him, safe, and convenient at this point in his life. Not in a bad way like he's using me but he's hopeful with what's in front of him right now and not looking towards what lies ahead for him. Well, I give it all to God, kind of scares me in a way, but trusting is what HE wants me to do with him! So I guess I don't really have a choice (;
Waiting for St. Louis
Its times like these that I wonder how far God allows us to follow our desires of the heart. I'm sitting here at the airport waiting for my 720pm flight to St. Louis. Is it me or is it God who is wanting this either way I'm taking a leap of faith & praying God uses it to make the best out of it. He knows the feelings we have for one another so its like where does He want us to go from here. I'm letting Julian come to me He's the. One who suggests or God ordains I really have not done anything. My heart wants him but I know I want God more I don't think people understand that now. Yes, Julian is all that I ever wanted but God is who I've always had! He's who I've changed for in the end its to glorify HIM! God do what you will this week but please help me stand strong I can't do it on my own I need your strength. I seriously am curious how I'm going to be with him now that we get to spend a week together. Nothing stupid I pray against in the name of Jesus! Blood of Christ be on us all and let not my heart turn away from you let you be my focus Jesus let me only see you everywhere because that's where you are EVERYWHERE around me! I love you God give me your eyes when I look at these boys as I stay with them...please use me as a vessel I wanna be yours to use Father especially for the one I've been in love with. Goodness what a story to tell our kids No? The high school sweethearts that went their separate ways only to be reminded so strongly of one another their paths cross yet again...shall something bloom from something so beautiful that has withered away? We shall see my Father is in the middle of a manifestation coming forth to be presented to the world as His own making. Ugh that is so beautiful and exciting! I can't wait to see what God has in store for us he he I know its something good! I never have trusted God so much with anything before but the funny thing is this time He's the only one I want in control because every time I take the wheel I seem to get us in the ditch...Your will be done Jesus!
Top Shelf Life
Does God really save the best for last?! I suppose so because after all these years I've come to believe that Julian wasn't the one for me after all that praying and standing in faith for so very long! I'm glad I did it though because as of a month ago Julian contacted me out of the blue to see how I was and reconnect well come to find out that he is still in love with me always has been! This coming to be a shock to me and learning after all these years to keep my guard up bc he has walked in and out of my life so easily before I start to feel that its different this time. God has another plan because looking back at all I prayed for is now being answered God is brining him to his knees he's going through so much in his life even to the point of being attacked physically from demons! God has an awesome plan for him so he started by allowing him to get expelled at his old school and transferring to a wait for it...BAPTIST college in Missouri! How crazy is that?! Never in a million years would I have pictured Julian there! God is good though he also is shwoing how Julian is trying to overcome things in life yet not the right way but gave me fuel to get him going through prayer. One example is that Julian wants to be with me again but he has been hurt too much by not only me but other girls as well. That's something he needs to heal from and forgive each of us with. He also is drinking because it dulls the pain he's going through and it eases his mind but it also does the opposite I see because all of a sudden two weeks ago he decided he couldn't talk to me any more because he's scared and it hurts him thinking about what can happen. He was drinking when he came to this realization. I don't get it but then again would have I gotten back with him like that? Will have I put everything God has help me become aside? We were also planning on me coming down to see him but would that have worked out on both our favors him being thids way? No it would have caused strife in whatever we were trying to build for us to start on like a healthy foundation which being christ in my eyes which I believe at this point not in his. This time I've felt nothing but peace and knowing how to stand firmer this time in faith waiting on God to bring me my man made perfect for me in Christ! Its to the point it feels real that I just am getting anxious for it to come to be not that I'm in desperate disbelief. It actually feels good for once knowing God is working on something for me so wonderful. I realize its all his time but I feel the enemy just attacking me left and right so how far off is a manifestation?! God is good and He's teaching me so much about myself and His power than I've been learning these past four years. Its absolutely crazy how God works and the reality that He loves us so much and really is reaching out to us everyday yet we never notice because we are too busy caught up in our sin or in this world we are blinded by what He can offer to us! He is good!!! Yay!!! I need to keep standing strong!!! Peace I need to pray and get ready for bed he he!