All day I kept daydreaming about the moment I'd get a phone call & everything will fall back into place. That moment when my heart stops because of that one voice who I can't get out of my head or even to stop dreaming about. Everyday is a challenge to forget him. I wonder how his day goes by. I need to start praying for him. I need to pray that God prepares his heart to forgive me and for God to prepare my heart for whatever may happen. I just need to closure.
Closure I'm not quite ready for...meaning I'm not willing to let go of the fact that he doesn't want to be with me because it isn't me he wants to be with.
I don't think I can handle that so I'm putting off writing this "letter" to him and getting that new phone number. I'm hoping without me doing anything things will fall back into place. Honestly I'm hoping for a late night new years eve phone call asking how I am doing & everything will be okay again. I don't want him to hate me I really can't live like that.

Breath just breath.

Tonight was my mother's side Christmas eve since one of my aunt and uncle are leaving for Australia tomorrow for  two and a half weeks. It's been fun getting together with them lately since we are all older now and can joke around with them. I'm going to miss seeing them the next couple weeks.

I got them all something simple but I feel happy about it! I gave my aunt a pretty charmend bookmark, my uncle a big thing of peanuts, and my cousins playdoh lol since they enjoyed playing with it so much playing with my nieces.

Last night I had another dream about him...I was begging him to forgive me & finally he gave in and accepted my apology and gave me a hug. I was overwhelmed with relief. Like I told smash it will lift a huge burden off of my shoulders. I miss him. I want him. My mother doesn't think it's such a great idea. She doesn't want me to be giving him anything of me time, thoughts, nor my tears.

It's a hard one. She thinks God has closed the door many times yet I keep climbing through windows & now the chimney she's saying. Is that the truth? I believe she is wise and I should trust he judgment but it's so difficult to when you want something so much. It's hard to hear that I need to let go of the thought after others are making me think that there is still hope in the situation.

God, what do i do? I realize I have been way off track but I still would like to know which direction to go in all this?

I should leave now & get ready for the week ugh!

I finally went on a date with Tim & enjoyed it in fact I started to like him and he made me laugh a couple times. I also am realizing I don't want to get hurt again which he tends to do to me. Then again so does every other guy that I've ever dated. It' something I guess I need to move on from.

Though this past week I was talking with a co worker from catch and she encouraged me to write Max a letter letting him know everything how I feel and how I never meant to hurt him nor did I ever want him out of my life. I truly care about him.

I can't believe how fast this year has gone by just this summer I thought my life to be amazing and nothing in this world could make it go wrong...Jesus I can't get out of this please help me get out of this. Why do I keep walking away from you? I really off track at this point. Not because I'm lost but because I just keep doing it.

I'm not strong enough for this...I want to like Tim & for it to work out but deep in my heart I'm still holding out for Max............I'm going to write him that letter. As of 2010 I will have written it and I will send it to his place.


From afar seems I have it all but it doesn't mean anything since your gone...

This past two weeks have been really rough. It's been very emotional between feelings about past boyfriends coming up and losing Sasha possibly. It feels like it's that time but it's no where near that time.
I can tell God is really trying to work with me here. There's so much that I could be doing but I haven't done anything. I know there are many signs the end has begun but I'm just dragging my feet waiting for the right man come to start my life.
I don't think it's going to happen like that.
I feel there's so much that I can do yet blah!

I want a noticeable change going on in my life I want to help others I think it has to start by the ones closest to me seeing that change.

I'm tired...I want to be a different person...God it is so hard to change!
Please help me...baby steps! Don't judge me or turn your ear from me in anger in my failures but seek compassion & mercy on my for you have lived on this earth and realize the difficulties involved!

That's right Tim the tool man text me this evening after ignoring me. Now I'm sure he was drunk & feeling sappy enough to text me to open the door for later times to hang out when he doesn't have any one. Which is fine I guess because I used him for the same case while dating Maxim. Leading to the main topic I tried calling Dan the other night just to see if I still had that open door of communication and I found out I didn't. It felt like my earth shattered into a billion pieces but without a doubt I tried yet again in attempting to call it with much joy come to find out the service just wasn't working & he still had his phone. Expecting something the following day like clock work Dan text me. We didn't say much but I threw myself out there just to remind them who I am and what I was about. Though I'm sure Max's thoughts are completely not the reality of the situation. Sadly, I have to let him be in order for him to let this go if he ever does!
It really has hit me that I really want to be with him but then again I may be sad & alone making me sappy & missing him. I realize that really could be the case but it doesn't make what Max & I had together any less wonderful.
I guess I couldn't call it wonderful but more like perfect for the time being. It's all what I needed to be reminded of what I can have but much better & know what exactly I'm looking for.
Someone who doesn't just give in to what I say & do but makes me question and be a better person because of it. I am very stubborn, selfish, & controlling when one let's me be but with the right attitude I will be respectful, sweet, & caring toward you and whomever may need me. I realize he isn't Jesus & Jesus is the only one who can change me but I do believe he can send people in our life to help us be the better person he created to be. Just like they say having the right friends why wouldn't it not be the right lover. He's the calm rational one while I'm the more free spirited control freak.
God do what you will but know that my heart really will love whomever you give me & is very accepting of others...such as Maxim. I'm not saying I want him as is! I want you to heal his heart & make him to the man you made him to be then I would love to be with him. He has so much potential. HA!
Here I am asking God to heal this man when I haven't even been going to heal people for nearly 3 months now! What's the word I'm looking for? Oh that's right hypocrite!
Well I should be going because I have to get up early for a dental appt then I have to work all day )= Lord bless me in my sales! Thank you Jesus I lift it up to you in Jesus' name AMEN!

I've been watching this live for about 4 hours now we only saw Rob for a little bit but it was long enough I guess...see I'm sure he's a great person but I'm not that attracted to him but Edward who he plays in the Twilight Saga. I'm super excited for Thursday because we are going to go the Thursday midnight showing but before hand we are going to go see the Twilight before hand to deal with the crowds less. I forgot to go tonight to buy the tickets and but I'm off tomorrow so I will be getting that done asap! I'm super excited!

I'm going to go back watching this now...

I spent the night with my niece and my sister. I spent the day with my dad's mother taking her shopping getting the things she needs. Then I visited my uncle like normal on a Saturday afternoon before we went trick or treating with my niece. We also had a Halloween party on Ricky's side to go to that we didn't get to until like 8:30 because before then we stopped at my grandmas to show her my niece's costume. It was a long day busy running around. I'm super tired and so glad that I don't work until Tuesday.
I've been doing really good not thinking about anyone all day and wanting to go out and about having "fun" drinking or being with people. I think it's the fact that I kept myself busy all day and that I had things to do. I feel if I am keeping myself busy it's not that big of a deal to be busy at night, but if I'm just sitting I get my energy at night so I want to do something.
I'm so glad and I can't believe I'm getting through this I know it's only God and nothing else. I know I wouldn't be able to do this alone!
I'm getting so tired and am typing short entries lately but I'm trying to continue doing this so I'm able to look back and remember.
I have nothing really to say I feel like I'm in a good mood and am pretty happy. I guess it really does help trying to be good because you feel good! Maybe that's why He wants us to be good so we can enjoy life without it's consequences.
Love hate mistakes tell me what you think is going on...always have that song stuck in my head randomly!

I'm going to bed soon peace..!

I worked a log day at Catch a tan and it was interesting. More  interesting that I'm doing fine moving on from Max. Though I get many thoughts and feelings that arise throughout my day I have been trying to learn in pushing them away from me. I can't believe we're over but God has his plans. I give it to him and I want him to do what he will with me. I don't fee like going with my friends I mean I really want too but there is something in side of me that doesn't want too and that I shouldn't because there are better things for me to do that can make my life better like spend time with God and my family. It's Halloween tomorrow and I'm hanging out with my grandma then with my sister niece, and her dad.
I'm tired and watching Ghost hunters...God will be done with my life!

I compared my past feelings and relationships that didn't work out to DQ Blizzards today. It's something that I just realized it's weird I know but it's very true. They are yummy, nice and cold, and gives me the instant gratification and satisfaction that I'm looking for at that moment. Though it's great and all while I'm eating or "dating" the effects after is what gets me. The sugar rush, guilt from eating something so bad for me, and the calories that I will have to burn off later.
Max's relationship or whatever we had was something that I was craving but so not worth it in the end to have had now that things have ended the way that they did. Tim was just something I ate while bored and am now feeling the effects which I wish I've never had! Lessons learned. It's pretty sad though that I'm comparing them to food but it's the only thing I can compare to that's not worth doing...eating something that isn't healthy for us.
After what I've been through these past couple months have shown me a lot about myself and opened my eyes to how I've been letting people treat me.
I don't know if I regret anything with any of them just taking everything I learned but I'll leave the pain behind.
I wish to let go easier like this every time. I still get horrible feelings of pain from missing Max but it's no good for me. God needs to help me learn to let go and be able to leave someone that I care about without having that feeling of loss.
Tired and want to go home but think I will fall asleep on couch at my parents house.

I found out tonight that Max is no longer a friend of mine of facebook...I realize how silly this sounds but if you knew Max you'd think that's a big step since that is the only way of communicating.
I'm so hurt right now )=
He hates me and wants nothing to do with me. I'm not what he wants at all. I'm far from it.
I never want to be like that to someone. I never meant to cause this I never meant to make him not trust me or think of me less than he did. I never would want to hurt him. I feel like anything I do now will just not work and make things worse. God I'm so far down now. Father I hate this place. It feels like the first time and it's the worst feeling in the world. I think you were trying to tell me. Ugh I hate myself. I understand how he feels now I'm just a manipulative bitch! I do things because I want things to go my way or wonder how they will work out for me.

I go from one emotion to the next which is a feeling of numbness where I don't think or feel anything. I kind of like it because I don't feel the pain nor the urge to cry.

I feel like everything we've ever talked about, did, or built was thrown away.
God why does he hate me so much? How come love is so painful here on earth?
I have no energy for this. I can't breath...I want to sleep. I can't believe this

How did it come to this? I'm so sorry for messing things up! Please fix this!